INSOLVENT
If a person laughs too much, even at stupid things, he is
lonely inside.
If a person sleeps too much, he is sad..
If a person speaks less, but speaks fast, he has secrets.
If a person cries at little things, he is innocent and warm
hearted.
If a person can’t cry, he is weak..
If a person eats in an abnormal manner, he is tense.
I don’t know whether these statements are scientific or not.
Whether they are true or not, I can’t speak about it. I don’t even know where
they came from. If I were in any other higher stand to speak about their
meaning, I think I would have done that long ago.
Yes, I sleep too much, I loose track of time, because sleep,
somehow, relieves me from acknowledging
many rough aspects of life. Sadness is defined through synonyms like unhappy,
despondent, disconsolate, discouraged, downhearted. Many people are sad. Why
are they downhearted? Why is a heart (so to speak) Broken? Let’s change the cliché a little. “My heart
is broken”- “My heart is broke.” Cutting one single letter and it totally
changes its meaning. Which one is worst?
I think the second one. Our hearts can’t be bankrupt ,nor literally broken. Our
hearts are insolvent . They are incapable of “producing” more feelings –emptiness.
People think they are alone, they feel
lonely and have no hope of a better
scenery for their lives. Actually, they are not alone, they have other people
to care for them, they are empty. Unable to receive or produce emotional feedback for the others’ feelings.
Their hearts are broke. I’m afraid of the time when I will finally realize my
heart is broke too. I would prefer it broken.
One day, a friend of mine saw me crying when I reunited with
my cat after a few days in which we had been apart. And asked me why I started
crying. I was , somehow, reunited with my” box of feelings”. I cried because I
was happy and sad at the same time. I was sad because I realized I had cared
more for my cat and not people. Not living persons.
One night, a weird discussion with my boyfriend :
“-You know, sometimes I feel like I adore the cat more than
I adore you.”
He replied:
“ Of course you do, he can’t disappoint you. He will always
be your heart, while I will be the keeper of it.”
I was stunned. Never thought of that aspect before.
Does that mean that while I’ll have something alive to care
for, my heart won’t be broke?
And I go to sleep at night holding my cat’s little warm head
in my hand thinking :” How come nature is so cruel, letting people live for
aprox 100 years, and animals have so little time in their hands?” “Why can’t I
be more responsive to people’s feelings and actions?” “Why is it that I’m so
well trained in the subtle art of not giving a shit about many things, but I
have that one weakness ?”