Miss Funeral

                                                            INSOLVENT

If a person laughs too much, even at stupid things, he is lonely inside.

If a person sleeps too much, he is sad..

If a person speaks less, but speaks fast, he has secrets.

If a person cries at little things, he is innocent and warm hearted.

If a person can’t cry, he is weak..

If a person eats in an abnormal manner, he is tense.

I don’t know whether these statements are scientific or not. Whether they are true or not, I can’t speak about it. I don’t even know where they came from. If I were in any other higher stand to speak about their meaning, I think I would have done that long ago.

Yes, I sleep too much, I loose track of time, because sleep, somehow,  relieves me from acknowledging many rough aspects of life. Sadness is defined through synonyms like unhappy, despondent, disconsolate, discouraged, downhearted. Many people are sad. Why are they downhearted? Why is a heart (so to speak) Broken?  Let’s change the cliché a little. “My heart is broken”- “My heart is broke.” Cutting one single letter and it totally changes its meaning.  Which one is worst? I think the second one. Our hearts can’t be bankrupt ,nor literally broken. Our hearts are insolvent . They are incapable of “producing” more feelings –emptiness. People think they  are alone, they feel lonely and  have no hope of a better scenery for their lives. Actually, they are not alone, they have other people to care for them, they are empty. Unable to receive or produce  emotional feedback for the others’ feelings. Their hearts are broke. I’m afraid of the time when I will finally realize my heart is broke too. I would prefer it broken.

One day, a friend of mine saw me crying when I reunited with my cat after a few days in which we had been apart. And asked me why I started crying. I was , somehow, reunited with my” box of feelings”. I cried because I was happy and sad at the same time. I was sad because I realized I had cared more for my cat and not people. Not living persons.

One night, a weird discussion with my boyfriend :

“-You know, sometimes I feel like I adore the cat more than I adore you.”

He replied:

“ Of course you do, he can’t disappoint you. He will always be your heart, while I will be the keeper of it.”

I was stunned. Never thought of that aspect before.

Does that mean that while I’ll have something alive to care for, my heart won’t be broke?

And I go to sleep at night holding my cat’s little warm head in my hand thinking :” How come nature is so cruel, letting people live for aprox 100 years, and animals have so little time in their hands?” “Why can’t I be more responsive to people’s feelings and actions?” “Why is it that I’m so well trained in the subtle art of not giving a shit about many things, but I have that one weakness ?”